"Jokes and Humor"

Amy · August 28, 2021, 07:03:53 AM

Jokes...bet ya can't stop reading!
1. "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson!"

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you're bad at haggling, you'll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band 'Duvet'. It's a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend's audiobook, and now I'll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not c? Because you can't see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn't want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, "Oh no, not U2 again."

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it's a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won't lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who's struggling with grammar? There, their, they're.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, "Aisle B, back."

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
Julienm1 is offline

RAMMEL · September 07, 2021, 12:19:14 PM

Amy · September 18, 2021, 04:49:00 PM

What did Mama Tomato say to Baby Tomato when he lagged behind?

Ketchup!

Amy · September 19, 2021, 12:41:10 PM

The Big Lie..

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 28 year old.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you.

How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask.

John shakes his head no.

"There is no way she could believe you were 40!". They exclaim.

John shakes his head again.

"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"

John smiles and whispers "85".

patricia19 · September 19, 2021, 12:48:56 PM

For the truly absentminded

Warning on a Batman costume for Halloween:

"This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."

patricia19 · September 21, 2021, 04:23:25 PM

Better late than never

patricia19 · September 21, 2021, 04:27:18 PM

Aaof5vf

rutumi · November 06, 2021, 12:17:20 PM

The devil whispered to me, "I'm coming for you." I whispered back: "Bring pizza."
--
Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose red)... I can't
see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.
--
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
--
It's weird being the same age as old people.
--
Chocolate is God's way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
--
It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.
--
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
--
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.
So remember: Don't sing!
--
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that's how the fight started.
--
During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine
and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?
--
I don't think the therapist is supposed to say "wow," that many times in your first session but here we are...
--
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
--
We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, 'Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?'
--
So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
--
If you can't think of a word say "I forgot the English word for it."
That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.
--
I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
--
Coronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you're loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread, and going for long walks and the next you're crying, drinking gin for breakfast, and missing people you don't even like.
--
I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests
I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.
--
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
--
I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
--
I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.
--
How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought:
"Well aren't we just two clowns short of a circus?"
--
You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
--
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

RAMMEL · November 09, 2021, 01:59:41 PM

Didn't know where else to post this, so---
https://tinyurl.com/enc86eha

Vanilla-Jackie · November 09, 2021, 04:36:59 PM

Rammel..that brings back memories...dont forget i once had three dogs...they pin you on the ground giving nothing but sloppy licks..When one does it, they all want to get in on the act..

so_P_bubble · November 10, 2021, 05:56:11 AM

Rammel, this what I get:

403. That's an error.

Your client does not have permission to get URL from this server. That's all we know.

Amy · November 20, 2021, 02:16:42 PM

Some giggles..
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all of the records of their league were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Teacher: "Which little boy can tell me where the home of the swallow is?"
Small boy: "In the stomach?"

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie!

Back in Old England, two gentlemen were walking down the street when one stumbled over a mop bucket that had been left out. "My dear friend," exclaimed the other, "I lament your death exceedingly."
"My death?!"
"Why, yes–you have just kicked the bucket."
"Not so," rejoined the first. "I have only turned a little pail."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true. No bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

RAMMEL · November 20, 2021, 06:59:37 PM

Vanilla-Jackie · November 21, 2021, 02:53:22 PM

Rammel...does this look familiar...

RAMMEL · November 21, 2021, 03:45:39 PM

So,------------They're going to be a bit late for work today.

Vanilla-Jackie · November 21, 2021, 04:08:22 PM

Just a little...

so_P_bubble · December 23, 2021, 05:05:50 AM

patricia19 · December 23, 2021, 01:09:11 PM

I loved this; Back in Old England, two gentlemen were walking down the street when one stumbled over a mop bucket that had been left out. "My dear friend," exclaimed the other, "I lament your death exceedingly."
"My death?!"
"Why, yes–you have just kicked the bucket."
"Not so," rejoined the first. "I have only turned a little pail."

Amy · December 23, 2021, 01:23:11 PM

Amy · December 23, 2021, 01:24:39 PM

Amy · December 23, 2021, 01:25:49 PM

so_P_bubble · January 02, 2022, 06:38:53 AM

https://jokesoftheday.com/man-takes-wife-birthday-shell-never-forget/

Amy · January 02, 2022, 09:55:53 AM

Bubble, is that the lack of not understanding communication?

so_P_bubble · January 07, 2022, 11:49:44 AM

H – "Hello?"

W – "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

H – "Yes."

W – "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H – "What's the price?"

W – "Only $1,500.00."

H – "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

W – "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2021 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

H-"What price did he quote you?"

W – "Only $60,000..."

H – "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W – "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

H – "What?"

W – "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

H – "How much are they asking?"

W – "Only $450,000 – a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

H – "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

W – "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

H – "Bye...I love u too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Amy · January 12, 2022, 10:38:19 AM

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 25 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

Amy · February 14, 2022, 09:46:11 AM

What is the geometrical form of an escaped parrot?

A polygon (Polly gone)

Amy · February 15, 2022, 07:40:53 AM

Why is a pair of skates like an apple?
Because they have both caused the fall of man.

Amy · February 26, 2022, 04:40:45 PM

What is the difference between 16 ounces and a small boy at the piano?
One weighs a pound, and the other pounds away.

Skhilled · February 26, 2022, 08:26:53 PM

LOL, I could make a dirty joke about the last one!

RAMMEL · February 26, 2022, 09:21:33 PM

Gun control refers to how well you aim.

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