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New Technology?

        EAT HEALTHY

EVER WONDER... 
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? 
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word? 
...why doctors call what they do "practice"? 
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98? 
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons? 
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? 
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? 
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new &improved" flavor? 
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? 
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box? 
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains? 
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? 



In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. 
...On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). 
...On a bag of Fritos: . You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? 
...On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) 
...On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). 
...On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)! 
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...) 
...On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) 
...On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) 
...On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) 
...On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) 
...On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) 
...On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) 
...On an American Airlines packet of nuts: ..."Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) 
...On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

~Geezerdom~

Those of us entering geezerdom will appreciate this. For those who are not,
look at what you missed and aren't you glad.
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast
food when you were growing up?" "We didn't have fast food when I was growing
up," I informed him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously.
Where did you eat?" "It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma
cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together
at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I
was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to
suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I
had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I
would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have
handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf
course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later
years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good
only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there
is no Roebuck anymore.
Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we
never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds,
and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house
until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course,
black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the
screen.
The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like
grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes
of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had
a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza; it was called "pizza pie." When I
bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung
down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the
best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family
was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the
living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to
listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the
line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were
delivered by boys, and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered newspaper,
six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I
had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, had to collect the 42
cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50
cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the
ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies.
Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they
didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies.
French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to
share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.
Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. Growing up isn't what it
used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend: My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she
died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the
bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately
what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make
it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end
of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam
irons.
Man, I am old.
How many do you remember? Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard. Heaters mounted on the inside of the
fire wall. Real ice-boxes. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. Using hand signals for cars
without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you
were told about! (Ratings at the bottom)
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 -You're still young.
If you remembered 6-10 -You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 - Don't tell your age.
If you remembered 16-25 - You're older than dirt!




Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....


Senility Prayer
"God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference."

The Black Telephone
Those of us old enough to remember when the phone was wired to the wall, usually in the kitchen, can relate to this story. I loved this read.
When I was a young boy, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box.. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.
Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.
My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.
The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information, please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my head.
A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear. "Information."
"I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience..
"Isn't your mother home?" came the question
"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked
"No, "I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."
"Can you open the icebox?" she asked.
I said I could.
"Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.
After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math.
She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.
Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, "Information Please," and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"
She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, " Wayne , always remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow I felt better.
Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please."
"Information," said in the now familiar voice.
"How do I spell fix?" I asked
All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest . When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston . I missed my friend very much.
"Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.
A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle . I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please."
Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.
"Information."
I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"
There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now."
I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"
"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."
I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.
"Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."
Three months later I was back in Seattle .
A different voice answered, "Information."
I asked for Sally.
"Are you a friend?" she said.
"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," She said. "Sally had been working part time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago."
Before I could hang up, she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne ?" "
"Yes." I answered.
Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you. The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean."
I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.
Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.
Whose life have you touched today?

COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

 Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

 

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

 

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, "Close enough."

 

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I've ever done

 

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed. We're having a meeting.

"Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

 

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.

 

Today's 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

 

Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn.

 

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

 

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

 

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

 

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

 

Now, I'm wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent it to myself.

 

You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

 

Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

 

"On time" is, when you get there.

 

Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

 

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

 

Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

 

"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

English Is Crazy!
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. They were too close to the door to close it.
13. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
14. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
15. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
16. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
17. After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
21. You can make amends but not one amend.
22. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all of but one of them, what do you call it?
23. If teachers taught, do preachers praught?
24. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
25. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
26. Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
27. Have noses that run and feet that smell?
28. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?' The answers they got were broader, deeper, and more profound than anyone could have ever imagined!
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore... So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' Rebecca - age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' Chrissy - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.' Danny - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen.' Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.' Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.' Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' Cindy - age 8
'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' Clare - age 6
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine - age 5
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' Chris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.' Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image!) Karen - age 7
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross...' Mark - age 6
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.' Jessica - age 8
And the final one: The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'

A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied. "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of a football match, so I took the remote.
*Moral: Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies.....*

The story continues....
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. "Your husband has blocked your credit card."
*MORAL: Always respect the hobbies of your husband.*

Story continues....

Wife took out her husband's credit card from purse and swiped it.
Unfortunately, he didn't block his own card.
*Moral: Don't underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE..*

Story continues....
After swiping, the machine indicated, 'ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'.
*Moral: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!*

Story continues....
She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse.
It was her husband's phone showing the forwarded SMS.
She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping. She bought her items and returned home happily.
*Moral: Don't underestimate a desperate woman!*

Story continues....
On getting home, his car was gone.
A note was lying on the table.
"Couldn't find the remote. Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match. I will be home late. Call me on my phone if you need anything".
*Moral: Don't try to control your spouse. You will always lose!*

Can You Find Him?

Out of sight, out of mind?

Smart dog? He heard they were taking him to the vet??? 

What do you call an alligator  wearing a vest???



An investigator..

Money can't buy you happiness ....

But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Spike Milligan

 

 
 
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

Eleanor Roosevelt

 

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Mark Twain

 

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

George Burns

 

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

 

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

 

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

 

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

 

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Jimmy Durante

 

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Alex Levine

 

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

Joe Namath

 

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

Bob Hope

 

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

W. C. Fields

 

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Will Rogers

 

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Winston Churchill

 

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Phyllis Diller

 

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Billy Crystal

 

And the cardiologist's diet:

If it tastes good spit it out!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What you learn if you live long enough

 

 

 

 

 

I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, "I'll bet a doughnut wouldn't have done this to me."

 

Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eyewitness.  (Mark Twain)

 

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store (in the narrow aisles of an older store) to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person.

 

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick out one of your own.  I know that now.

 

It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite  of  rotisserie  chicken and it's all, "Sir, you need to leave!"

 

One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.

 

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.  That's seven years in a row, now.

 

If you dropped something when you were younger, you just picked it up.  When you're older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore.

 

I like to make lists.  I also like to leave them lying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what's on the list when I am at the store.

 

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side effects is bad for you.

 

I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack.  I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

 

I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date.  So tonight after dinner I'm dropping her off at her parent's house.

 

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.

 

I love bacon.  Sometimes I eat it twice a day.  It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

 

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

 

Driver:  "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"  Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

 

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches.  He said, "I'll see," & walked away.  I asked another & he also said, "I'll see," & walked away.  In the end, I gave up & found them myself, in Aisle C.

 

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two (2) places.  He told me to stop going to those places.

 

I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

 

When I was a kid, I used to watch the 'Wizard of Oz' & wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain.  Then I got Facebook.

 

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror & think, "That can't be accurate!"

 

I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently.  I have a few new ideas.

 

Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation with "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

 

 A guy walks into a lumberyard & asks for some 2x4s.  The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?"  The guy answers, "A long time.  We're gonna build a house."

 

I just burned 1,200 calories.  I forgot the pizza in the oven.

 

Who knew that the hardest thing about being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?

 

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

 

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

 

My neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 a.m.  3AM!!!  Luckily I was already up playing the bagpipes.

 

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow!  My house looks great."

Comments to get you thinking..

 

1)    I've just finished reading a book about the world's greatest basement ..... It was a best cellar.

 

 

2)    It's my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.

 

 

3)    My laptop caught pneumonia, apparently, because I left Windows open.

 

4)    I thought swimming with Dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks .... It cost me an arm and a leg.

 

5)    The main function of your big toe is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in the right place.

 

6)    Horses have lower divorce rates.  It's because they are in stable relationships.

 

7)    It's pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car, I will get tired but if I run behind a car I will get exhausted.

 

    My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.  I told them you just wait.

 

9)    90% of bald people still own a comb; they just can't part with it.

 

10)  Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle ...... It's a vicious cycle.

 

11)  The word "incorrectly" is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary.

 

12)  I've been experimenting with breeding racing deer.  People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

 

13)  The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice.

 

14)  I went to a fish restaurant last night and ordered the Octopus.  The waiter told me it takes 4 hours to cook.  "Why", I asked.  He said "It's because it keeps turning the gas off".

 

15)  What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards?  A receding hare line.

 

16)  When I was a kid, we played spin the bottle with the girls.  If they didn't want to kiss you, they would have you give you a dollar.  By the time I was 12, I owned my own home.

 

17)  Always trust a nudist, they have nothing to hide.

 

 

Hope she listens..

I would even say : "It is burning!"

Bubble , YES!! And she is doing it again today!!!

1.      My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been
awake since Tuesday.

2.      Someone just gave me half a peace sign. Weird.

3.      Growing up, we knew Dad had had enough when we heard the
recliner slam down. Kids these days will never know that fear.

4.      My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for
dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?" I said: "No, I keep telling them
it's for you."

5.      My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. Her
favorite is The Sexy Librarian where I have to sit quietly while she
reads a book.

6.      Being old is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just
as long as you don't have to go too.

7.      I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will
unplug my life support to charge their phone.

8.      At a wedding reception, someone yelled: "All married people
please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth
living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.

9.      I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised because I
thought she was home with the kids.

10.      I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave
me alone most of the time.

11.     Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my husband a dart, and
said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation."
We're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

12.     As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind
myself that you can't always trust Google Maps

13.     I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40,
so I gave it to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed
it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15.

.

   
RESIGNATION AS AN ADULT
by Genel Hodges
To Whom It May Concern:
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to
accept the responsibilities of a six-year-old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's
a four-star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with
rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play
kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art. I want to lie under a big oak tree and
run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer day. I want to return to a time when
life was simple... When all you knew were colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes,
but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know, and you didn't
care. When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should
make you worried and upset.
I want to think that the world is fair. That everyone in it is honest and good. I want to believe
that anything is possible. Somewhere in my youth...I matured, and I learned too much. I
learned of nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, starvation and abused children. I learned of lies,
unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and death. I learned of a world where men left their
families to go and fight for our country and returned only to end up living on the streets
begging for their next meal. I learned of a world where children knew how to kill...and did!!
What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we
didn't grasp the concept of death? When we thought the worst thing in the world was if
someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball? I want to be oblivious to
the complexity of life and be overly excited by little things once again.
I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music was clean, when television was
used to report the news or for family entertainment and not to promote sex, violence and
deceit. I remember being naive and thinking that everyone was happy because I was. I would
walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and the prettiest seashell I could
find. I would spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike. I didn't worry about time,
bills or where I was going to find the money to fix my car. I used to wonder what I was going to
do or be when I grew up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of
paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in
the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the
imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.
 
 
I want to be six again

Genel Hodges....oh, how so true...if only...